Throughout the coronavirus crisis and the weeks of google classroom and homeschooling the girls, I’ve had an end goal in site- getting them back to school. I was so sad at the thought that they wouldn’t go back until September. Not because I didn’t want to homeschool them, not because I didn’t want to parent them, but because I gracefully acknowledge there are things that I can’t give them that only school can. I was certain as soon as the science and powers that be announced it was safe for them to return I’d be straight on the band wagon and enthusiastic about them going back. And I was. The announcement was made that schools would reopen on 1st June if it was safe to do so and I felt a sense of relief and accomplishment. I was already thinking about the things they would need to get them back, sorting out uniform and telling them school was coming back into our lives.
I patiently awaited the school email to let us know their plans and how they were planning on keeping my children safe, whilst educating them and trying to make it as ‘normal’ as possible. I had a couple of deal breakers, which were purely focused on their psychological well being particularly having the same teacher and being comforted if they are sad. I couldn’t have been happier with the schools plan, they are truly amazing and have come up with a plan that on paper, will not only keep my little people safe, but will also offer them educational opportunities and socialisation, albeit with a slightly different approach. The schools plan looks like their classroom experience won’t be significantly different to what they are used to, however the school community will be substantially different.
I know there are many, many thousands of parents out there who have been certain from the start that they won’t send their children back and I also know their are many parents who have been totally undecided, in fact most of my friends where in the latter category. I totally respect all decisions parents are busy making for their children and have been shocked and disheartened, but not entirely surprised by the parent shaming going on.
I will be honest, I don’t need my children to go to school so I can go out to work. I don’t need it for ‘childcare’ in fact I don’t NEED it at all.... but my children do. I know this will be a cause of divided opinion and as with all blog writing, it can provoke negative reaction. This blog may become a victim to ‘parent shaming’ but I will gladly state my case and my opinion and as is my mantra, when you are telling your story, you own it, you can’t be wrong because it’s your opinion, your story to tell and nobody else’s.
The weeks have crept by and all of a sudden it just 3 sleeps until the return to school for my 4 year old and bam, just like that the parenting anxiety has hit me. This always happens, all of the anxiety that my friends have been feeling for weeks, where I have tried to offer reassurance and understanding, but not shared their concern has now just smacked me in the face.
I’ve got to be honest, I’m not worried about them getting coronavirus, I’m worried about the effects coronavirus has had and is having on them and their precious little minds. I’m suddenly totally overwhelmed by the fact that they have needed me more in the last two months than they have ever needed me. I have been their everything, their mummy, their security, their teacher, their friend, they’ve had nothing else. I’ve noticed they are just that little bit more clingy, that little bit more resistant to FaceTime or zoom calls, that little bit more needy and that little bit more demanding. I totally understand why! It is only natural for little minds in time’s of great uncertainty to seek the security of their parents. Their worlds have literally been turned upside down. They know we are their safety and they know when they are with us, we will do all we can to make everything ok. All of a sudden I feel such pain that they won’t be with and I can’t make sure everything is ok, I’m handing that power back to others (who I have absolute faith in and would trust with my children’s lives) but they aren’t Mummy. I’m worried that faced with their friends, who they’ve missed so much, it will be so totally overwhelming that all they will want is their Mummy and I won’t be there to help them. I’m worried that they’ve been so protected from the world that they will immediately by struck down with a bug, or an illness which will mean 2 weeks of isolation, a nasty coronavirus test and more chaos in their little worlds, where all they need is consistency and structure.
I have no choice but to face this anxiety head on and deal with it, without showing the girls my worry. They need some form of normality out of the home more than I need them to stay within my clutches and be 100% of everything to them.
Neither of them have ever been children who cling to me at drop off times, we’ve had little blips here and there but they have on the whole always excitedly and enthusiastically gone off on their way. If they do cling to me next week at drop off, I’m not sure I will cope very well with it at all. The most natural thing for any Mummy in that situation is to let them cling and protect them from the situation, especially right now, but that won’t be the right thing to do. I need to let them go. So I’m going to spend the next ‘3 sleeps’ reminding myself of that over and over, preparing my very brave face and enthusiastically telling them how great it is we are starting this adventure all over again. I will get in the car for the school run, put on our feel good music, which will probably be ‘just sing’ from Trolls World Tour and get ready for the new normal, hiding my worry from them- and to be honest they will probably do what they always do- run up to the school gates, run into school and not even look back, in that instance my anxiety will likely wash away.
For all the parents out there making the decision to send their children back to school or not, for all the parents doubting and double doubting, going back and forth with the answer, I send you all the best wishes in the world and remember nobody is you, nobody can fully understand your situation or your feelings and nobody knows what is better for your children than you. Stay safe everyone.
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