It’s a given that I adore my children, I could not love them anymore even if I tried. Having them is the single best thing I have ever done or will do in my life and giving everything I can to them is my greatest determination and motivator but I’m not going to lie, that has come at a cost and that is that I don’t actually know who I am, except Rosie and Lydia’s Mummy.
People will read this and be saying in their head, she doesn’t know how lucky she is, what I wouldn’t give to not have to work, she’s got the life of Riley! What does she have to complain about? She just stays at home all day. I know they will be thinking this because people say this to me all of the time! Back in the day when I was a career focused, child free, working machine I also looked at stay at home mums in a similar way and would think they have an easy life and all they need to worry about is having enough milk for their tea and coffee (I’m actually ashamed that I thought like that now). I know I’m privileged to be in this position and I’m know how lucky I am. My husband is a very hands on dad and when he isn’t working he definitely takes his fair share of child duties which I know is not the case for everyone. I know he appreciates me and the life I am building for our children but for me, as ME, the person I am going to be for my whole life and have been up to the birth of my loved children I am struggling. It’s actually very hard to talk about this, but I’m hoping there will be other ladies out there that get it, rather than me being frowned upon as a weak, emotional and ungrateful woman who doesn’t have a real job. I’m hoping people will know first hand, from their own experience, what I’m saying and be able to tell me I’m not alone and I’m not being ungrateful and I’m not being stupid.
I’ve become more and more aware that when my husband and I go out anywhere which is remotely adult focused, people ask with enthusiasm how he’s getting on in his business, and I used to get asked the same questions about my work or my current focus, but now it seems like they don’t think I’d have anything interesting to say, so they don’t even ask. This makes me feel entirely unimportant and a little bit useless which later on, when I reflect makes me feel isolated and frustrated. Before the girls I was earning a decent salary, metaphorically fighting for the independence of all woman and my goodness I enjoyed the independence that my hard work gave me, to give that all up, just like that, even 3 years down the line is still a bit of bitter pill to swallow. I used to contribute financially and now I don’t, my contribution to our family is not visible in the way money is and that makes it unquantifiable.
I used to hate silence, it used to make me feel nervous and uneasy and now whenever I am in a moment of silence it hits me like a ton of bricks and I appreciate it like nothing else. I forgot that silence existed in my house, which is full of constant noise, some of it good, some of it bad.... but it’s noise none the less and sometimes I just need a break from its endlessness. I need a break from not just being needed, but being wanted and demanded and hit and cried at and pulled at. It’s hard to be needed all the time with no rest or no break even if you do adore the very things that need you. It’s relentless and just like the inevitability of a chisel chopping away at a piece of wood, eventually there is nothing left.
I have never felt exhaustion like I feel it now and that’s not just through lack of sleep. I used to work quite well on a lack of sleep, my working days were long, so my evenings were short. But then I had a weekend to recover and sleep (which I took full advantage of). But this job is 24/7, there is no weekend, where you can down tools and forget about it for a few days, often one bad day very quickly rolls into a bad night, which rolls into a bad week and before you know it you’ve forgotten the last time you had a good day. I am somebody that needs time to reflect and evaluate after a challenging experience and staying at home with your children does not lend itself to that way of dealing with things. The opportunity to evaluate and reflect just isn’t there and during the odd time that we do have a babysitter it’s usually to do something socially in a huge group situation. I think if I asked for a babysitter to come so I could go and reflect because my children have been little t***ts they’d think I was a little bit weird! As a result I end up with a build up of negative feelings which are not very good for my feelings of self worth or confidence and it can all be a little bit overwhelming.
I’m not somebody who can tie things up with a little bow and make them sound better than they are either. If my children have been horrible I will openly say they are horrible and I may even throw in the occasional more offensive name for them. I won’t ever describe them as ‘difficult’ or ‘challenging’ I will call a spade a spade and a little s**t a little s**t. This may be looked upon negatively, but in all honesty it allows me to adopt a little bit of adult humour in my very child orientated world and my goodness, I really need that. It helps with the immense feelings of frustration, isolation, aggravation and with the build up of unresolved issues, I can feel entirely lost and incredibly guilty. Lost, because of comments like 'all you do is sit down all day' or 'life must be really easy for you' that make me feel like I must really be missing something, because I feel like I'm working harder at this than I ever did at anything and it is not a bed of roses. Guilty, because when I need some space, a break, or my patience has gone and tolerance non-existent and I've not been the doting and stereotypical 'yummy mummy' that is expected of us SAHM's, I feel I should be doing better, because that's my full time job and not doing well at something is a real struggle for me.
I get asked constantly, what are my plans and what am I going to do with my life and I really don’t know the answer. I know I will do something and I know whatever I decide to do I will do it well and to the best of my ability.
I also have one gleaming light that is shining down on me brightly and it is something that is completely mine, I am in complete control of it, it’s the one thing I have where I’m not Mummy, I’m me and I have determination, motivation and focus equalling what I have with my children and that is the transformation of me..... more and more the first thing people say to me when they see me is ‘wow, you look great’ and that’s because I’m changing and fixing myself. I’m the smallest and fittest I’ve been in a very long time and whilst I’m only really at the start of my journey it is giving me something new and exciting and maybe this is the start of ‘what I’m going to do’ or ‘the start of my plans’ for the future and the start of me reestablishing my identity.
For anyone who has read this and thought ‘she choose to have her children’ or ‘she made her bed.....’ you’ve totally missed the point of the blog. I’m not unhappy, I’m not actually complaining, I wouldn’t actually change anything, not yet anyway, I want to be there for my children. I just wanted to share that I’ve been fully educated in this and being a stay at home mum is hard, selfless and the biggest challenge any woman could take on.
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