Disclaimer: This is a real life, real time story about the experiences we are having as a family and is written for the purposes of a modern day parenting blog. It is not intended to represent any view or belief about gender identification or expression.
When I held my babies in my arms I promised them I would do everything I could to nurture their creative brain and push the boundaries of society and conformity which bashes it out of them. I would embrace the structure of formal education and social expectation, but all the while encourage them to be who they want to be, follow their passions and explore the endless opportunities at their feet. I have the two littles girls I dreamed off as a child and am more than on board with all the ideals and stereotypes that come with being a Mummy to girls and I’m loving it. Little did I know with my littlest, that at 3 years old, gender and societies stereotypes would become a bit of an issue. Not for me, not for her but for others. It really isn’t a negative issue, but it is definitely one that sparks enough of a response that I think that she’s suddenly picking up on certain reactions and it’s becoming a bit of a thing.
It does take me back too my psychology degree days where I studied gender stereotypes and read that people change the way they talk or behave towards babies if they are dressed in pink or blue. Babies dressed in pink were offered ‘girls toys’ like dolls and babies dressed in blue offered ‘boys toys’ like cars. However we wrap it up, we do live in a world where gender stereotypes are significant and we all make them unintentionally, unless we actively strive not to.
Lydia at 3 years old is fully aware she’s a girl, and I’m not a parent who practices or has ever considered practicing gender neutral parenting. I’ve dressed her in pink, with bows in her hair and beautiful dresses. She has now started complaining about wearing a dress, but I don’t think that’s a gender thing. My 5 year old would choose a dress over trousers everyday, it’s just a preference. Lydia has always gravitated towards what would be typically deemed ‘boys toys’, she loves dinosaurs, she loves train tracks and superhero’s. Only yesterday I told her she could be called cheesy feet super hero girl as a joke about stinky feet and she said ‘no, I’m cheesy feet super man’. When she grows up, she wants to be a Fireman, not a Fire person or Firewoman, she is adamant she will be a Fireman.
I have no problem with this. What I’m worried about is the label, the perception that because she likes these things and is making these choices as part of her ever growing identity she is seen as wanting to be a boy. Her older sister (very innocently) and I’m sure her peers say to her all the time that Paw Patrol (which is her favourite thing) is a boys thing and her response is ‘l like boys stuff’. I love her confidence and assertiveness when she utters these words and she is totally ok with it. My response is always, Lydia, you can like whatever you want to like. When choosing her 3rd Birthday presents I'd had in my mind I was going to get a beautiful wooden dolls house, but when the Paw Patrol Mighty Pups Tower was released, I knew she’d love that far more and it was the right decision. She plays with it everyday.
We went to a local play village pre-lockdown with a group of her peers. There’s a shop, a salon, a cafe, a vets and a builders yard. She spent her whole time in the builders yard, with her little bestie (who is a boy), they are total kindred spirits, roaring like dinosaurs throughout their day, they laugh together and play beautifully together. It’s so precious!
As a result of these things Lydia is getting a bit of a reputation for liking boys stuff and she knows it. I worry that this is no longer an innocent decision because she actually likes it, but because she’s fulfilling the label because that's what people expect and she thinks she should. It’s a subtle difference but to me a significant one. If the latter is true, she is no longer making choices based on desire to do or be something, but because something is a ‘boys thing’ therefore she should like it. It is no longer choice, it's fulfilling a narrative.
We were talking about extra clubs and sessions that she may do on her return to ‘school’. It would be so easy to push her in the same direction as her sister, but that wouldn’t be fair. She needs to find her own feet and have a thing that’s hers and not shared with her bossy, older sister. So I said she could continue with Ballet, perhaps start tennis (she loves hitting a ball) and out of school gymnastics (she is always doing roly polys and can actually back flip off the sofa), she could also do with some help with balance and movement through space. All of these things would be hers to enjoy and totally different to anything her sister is doing. Her response was ‘are they boys things?!’. I said to her that it doesn’t matter, that boys and girls can do anything they want to and she said ‘ok, as long as I can be on the boys team’. I then went about showing her that boys take part in all of these activities and suddenly realised in my attempt to motivate her and feel happier about something, I’m actually fuelling her own label. It really shouldn’t matter whether they are boys things or not and I worry that at three years old she is so focused on it. She then said ‘I want to play football, because that’s what boys do’. My response again was girls and boys both play football.
It’s so hard, in my attempt to move away from the label to not inadvertently deepen it. All I want for my children is for them to be exactly what they want to be, to follow their dreams and make choices based on their own inner passion and desires, with a guiding hand from me. I don’t want them to believe they like something because it’s become part of their identity based on what others think and feel.
I’m sure there are many out there who would take a different approach to a situation like this and to varying extremes. I’m sure there are people out there with ideas and beliefs about how I should be tackling this to ensure that Lydia has the best chance to find her own way and make her own decisions and to varying extremes. One thing I won’t do is tell her she’s wrong and all I can do is remind her time and time and time again that she can be whatever she wants to be, she can like whatever she wants to like and she can choose what ever she wants to choose (all within what is safe and legal, obviously) as long as it’s coming from within her and not what she thinks she 'should' be.
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