It’s funny really, when people say you can’t fully understand something until you go through it, I never really imagined how true that statement was. Lots of ladies I know have talked about Mum guilt. Before babies I just shrugged this off and thought they are a great Mum, I don’t understand what they have to feel guilty about. But my feelings of Mum guilt are getting bigger and bigger, and whilst I could reel off a list of things that I feel guilty about this is all about the guilt I feel for my second baby, little Lydia. I’ve all of a sudden become really aware that the lovely Hatley rain coat she is wearing has her sisters name in it! Her first pair of Clark’s shoes were her sisters. The toy kitchen and Peppa Pig that she loves to play with are actually not hers, they are her sisters. Of course she has stuff that is actually hers, bought for her.... but even the Duplo train she got for her first birthday has been monopolised by her sister. I wonder if the small age gap between them and the fact they are both girls makes this even worse. After all, why would I buy a new pair of converse all stars when the ones Rosie had look brand new and are now perfect for Lydia. Rosie’s little tikes trike (her first bike) is still in amazing condition, so why can’t it be Lydia’s first bike as well. Having a conversation with Rosie the other day really made me think about it. I asked Rosie what she wanted for Christmas and she said she’d like lots of unicorns and a princess castle and Lydia should get a kitchen, just like the one Rosie already has. Now, I’m obviously not going to be buying another kitchen, which Rosie got for her second Christmas.... that would be ridiculous... but it made me think, is Lydia ever going to have anything that is actually just hers, that wasn’t a hand me down from her slightly bigger Sister and when she does have something that is just hers, do I stop Rosie taking control of it. This resonates through life with two young children and I really feel that it’s Lydia that has to wait, it’s Lydia who has to go with the flow and it’s Lydia that is sometimes dancing to her Sisters tune. I did so many classes with Rosie, music, swimming, gym, ballet and have done none of it with Lydia. We attempted swimming but it was a total nightmare having a baby and toddler, it was so difficult it became an unenjoyable experience for all of us. I looked into ballet for Lydia, but the classes clashed with Rosie’s school collection time meaning I couldn’t do it. Once again Lydia misses out because of her Sisters needs. This guilt is made worse by the fact that Lydia used to come and watch Rosie do ballet and would sit in the side lines dancing and laughing.... she loved it... but it wasn’t hers. My guilt even goes as far as what they watch on TV, Rosie went through all the same phases as most babies, Teletubbies, Bing, Twirlywoos.... but Lydia’s TV is dictated by her Sister and she watches Topsy and Tim, or Frozen - which isn’t all bad as Lydia does love singing ‘love is an open door’ ... but she is never the one making the choices. However hard I try to make things the same ... they just aren’t ... when you have a vocal toddler who knows exactly what she wants and a baby who is happy to go along with it, rightly or wrongly the toddler seems to win. I can’t help comparing the two of them (which I know is wrong) at Lydia’s age Rosie was making animal sounds, counting and talking a lot. Lydia doesn’t, now I know all children are different and I’m not at all concerned about Lydia’s speech but I wonder if it’s my fault that Lydia isn’t a talker, because maybe I haven’t talked to her as much, we all know she will have had less attention than Rosie got. I now know the answer to the question ‘how can two children be so different when they’ve had the same upbringing?’. We are a living and breathing example of it ... they haven’t actually had the same upbringing at all. Rosie was the only one and Lydia has never been the only one! Rosie was always the only priority, Lydia has had to fight that one out with her Sister and whilst if Rosie even made a whimper someone was there by her side, that isn’t the same for Lydia, who might whimper, but as she is safe and secure, her Sister who is just about to jump off the sofa on to a wooden table takes priority on that occasion. I’m guessing things will change as they get older ... although I’m not sure. Being a Mum you just roll with the punches and do the best you can. One thing is for sure I love Lydia in absolutely the same way that I love Rosie. I adore them equally and love their very unique and different personalities. Their differences are what makes them who they are and I promise to nurture that the best way I can. I was a second child and I never felt like I was inferior to my older Sister, I felt equally loved and equally treated so I hope against hope Lydia will grow up the same.
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