If someone had told me this time last year we would be living through something like this, I’d have thought they were a fantasist and laughed it off. It would never have even crossed my mind as a possibility. For the average Mummy (or Daddy), usual life involves a huge dose of daily Mum guilt, second guessing, pondering decisions and doing all we can to give our best for them, but never feeling you’ve quite done enough. It’s one of the ‘perks’ of parenting. All this, in normal life, runs alongside children who are in school, being taught by trained, passionate, qualified, enthusiastic and experienced people, who admit it or not, do shoulder that burden too and take away a little bit of the pressure. After all, they are giving our children an education and whatever we do or don’t do at home simply compliments what they are already learning. Added to this, when our children are in school they are socialising with their peers, dealing with daily conflict but navigating what that means to them and how they deal with it. Forming friendships and learning how to conduct themselves. They are conforming to social norms and meeting expectations given to them by society and other adults. I’m a Mummy entirely invested in the education of my children but am very happy to let others do the educating.
All of a sudden we find ourselves in a situation where the daily school bit is taken away and the responsibility to educate our children falls solely on us. The social constructs which are helping to form our little people have gone and I’m really struggling with the pressure of this. Like most, I have days where I feel I’ve nailed it and on other days I feel so much pressure I could burst. In these situations I’d usually remove myself, have a word with myself and sort myself out, but now I can’t even do that. My world is literally my little people and right now I am their whole world also. It feels like there is no room for error, no room to relax and no room to just let things go, as there is no one else to pick up the pieces. The pressure is unsustainable.
I, like all Mummy’s, am entirely proud of my children (most of the time), I think they are smart and amazing and beautiful. I’m also a realist and rightly or wrongly will see other people’s children and what they are doing and think ‘wow’ that’s amazing and automatically assume that my children are then behind, or I’m failing to provide them with something I should be. I know we should never compare our children- those words come out of my mouth all the time- but I do, then I beat myself up for being such a pessimist and allowing myself to even worry about it. Whenever I compare my children to others I find things in those children that I can not see in my own- not because it’s not there, but because I don’t see it.
I’m aware of all the research saying that my children at 3 and 4 learn mostly through play and experiences, I’m totally on board with all of that and actually I’m not concerned an ounce about Lydia, my 3 year old. She isn’t formal schooling age and to be honest, getting through the day keeping her happy and engaged is always a win, she is only in school for socialisation, I don’t expect her to be ‘formal learning’.
It’s Rosie, my 4 year old I worry about. She has one term left of the EYFS and those early learning goals need to be ticked off (I say ‘need to be’ from a Mummy point of view, not from one of reality). Even when Rosie was in school, living her usual life I worried about her coping and keeping up with her peers, knowing that she has an amazing teacher, who will guide her and help her and of course tell me if there were any glaring issues with Rosie’s learning made me feel more confident and comfortable.
I wish I could be that mummy who really wasn’t concerned about it and was able to let it go, having full confidence that their little one will be ok regardless (I know this is true). I wish I could be the mummy who looks at her sleeping children and applauds herself for getting through another day having fed her children well, loved them unconditionally and confident she has done her best (I also know this is true). I wish I could be that Mummy who gets up and tells herself that today there will be no learning, or educational activities, it’s a good thing to have a break- especially as it’s the Easter holidays (I know this is true). Instead I’m the Mummy who goes over her day and feels like she’s failed if she can’t pinpoint exactly what might have been learned. I’m the mummy who worries endlessly that on Rosie’s return to school she’ll be the only one who doesn’t know things that I should have taught her. I worry that she’ll be so far behind everyone else she’ll lose her own sense of accomplishment and achievement and it will destroy her.
If I was someone reading this, having been written by another Mummy, I’d be offering reassurances, applauding all the things she’d achieved and tell her to look at her children and see how amazing they are and I would mean every single word of it. I just think as a Mummy, feeling this insane amount of pressure on top of all the other usual pressure can be totally overbearing and somedays a bit too much.
I’m a massive over sharer on social media (sorry not sorry) and have shared so many positive things we have done and achieved over the last few weeks, maybe I’m doing it for validation- I’m not really sure. I do know that I’m doing it to remind myself everyday that I really am trying my best, we are having some successes and we are nailing somethings. What we are doing, we are doing with enthusiasm and there is definite happiness and enjoyment coming out of it. We are also keeping a scrapbook as I want the girls to know how well they coped with this new (but temporary) way of life. However, despite sharing these things I still go to bed worried I haven’t done something I should have and wake up with a feeling of what mountains will I climb today. On days where I actively decide that we don’t need to do any activities, Rosie will then say ‘Mummy, let’s write a ‘sh’ story (this actually happened today, which is why I’m writing the blog). Part of me would love to say, not today babe, we’ve done enough, but then I’d be squashing her enthusiasm and determination to learn and I feel I should jump on board if she is showing a desire to learn. I'm struggling to get the balance right.
I'm not sharing this for sympathy, or hoping people are going to tell me how amazing I am. I'm also not on the brink of a nervous breakdown, despite some of the things I've said (please don't worry). I’m sharing this because it's honest, it's real and I know even the strongest, in control and totally at ease with life right now parents will be able to relate to this to some degree. I’m also sharing it because social media is so full of inspiring, amazing and positive things we can be doing with our children (in fact, now I’ve blocked all the covid-19 groups on Facebook, it is actually a really positive place to be right now!) and I am hopefully helping to spread a bit of that cheer with my posts. There is so many inspiring ideas, suggestions and activities I could spend my day just making plans to do them all, which would be impossible, but this is also another stick to beat myself with and I'm sure others feel the same. I wanted to acknowledge and share my daily inner self struggles in the hope it means somebody reading this (and looking at the same positive posts) realises, they are not alone, even when we think everyone else has it totally together we are all facing the same turmoil, doubts, insecurities and worries. We will all get through this and we will do it together. We will come out a little but greyer (especially as no hair salons are open) but hopefully, also a little bit wiser and a little bit more greatful. Stay safe everyone, we will (actually) see you on the other side.
Comentários