And there is nothing we can do about it.
I’m certain that I’m not the only parent in the world that given the choice would wrap their children up and protect them from every negative emotion out there. Particularly when these negative emotions resonate with our own memories of trauma, upset, or discomfort in our own childhood. The ones we carry into adulthood and they still make us shudder.
Not only have I realised that this is impossible, but I’ve also realised that even if I could it would be totally the wrong thing to do. I’ve learned that my reaction to these situations is what counts and I really feel the pressure that I react correctly.
Myself and Rich (Daddy) both have childhood memories of being self conscious, shy and embarrassed. My first memory of school is one where I felt really embarrassed because the teacher wanted to draw around me for a display board. I really didn’t want to do it but was ‘made’ to (I’m sure if I’d have really protested I wouldn’t have had to do it, but at the time that’s how it felt and I was too shy to say I didn’t want to do it). Another one is being told I was a teddy bear in the school play. At the time I was mortified. I didn’t want to be a teddy bear and wear a stupid bear suit, I wanted to be a tree like everyone else. Everyone was laughing at me and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Looking back, being the only teddy bear is a good thing really, as clearly the teachers believed I could take this important part and smash it!
I don’t want my children to go through this. So in an effort to avoid this I’ve carefully planned the girls extra curricular activities to include things that will bolster their confidence, not be afraid to talk in a large group and stand loud and proud and say ‘I’m here and I’m present’.
I admit, and this takes some real deep self critique that I over compensate in these situations and push the girls into things to prevent them feeling the way I did and I worry that I’m dictating to them what they should like. I was talking to my friend last week and she told me about things she felt in her childhood and how she totally parents her children in a way to avoid them feeling the way she did and ironically it’s the polar opposite to what I do. She said as a child she felt really oversubscribed and just wanted to be at home playing with her toys, so as a result her children aren’t pushed into extra activities. As a child I was so desperate to do singing and dancing and music, but didn’t do it so the girls are signed up to everything! Neither approach is wrong but it fascinates me because I’m sure we all do it.
Anyway, this morning Rosie went through something that embarrassed her. It was a really trivial thing and I totally down played it, but she was resistant and went red in the face in front of her peers. This totally knocked me side ways and I felt her pain so badly, but was also totally shocked and sad that my little just 4 year old has the self awareness, ideas of conformity, not doing something if her ‘friends’ haven’t done it and not being the first that it hasn’t left my mind (hence the blog). It’s the first time I’ve seen her like this and it has troubled me. Not because anyone did anything wrong, not because she over reacted, not because the situation was extreme (it really was a totally normal part of her day) but because I realised it doesn’t matter what i do, how I prepare her, the things I sign her up for, I can’t stop or control these real life emotions that she is inevitably going to go through and she has to learn how to deal with. There is nothing I can do to stop these things happening and no preparation to stop it causing a negative reaction. I have no power in the daily life events that will inevitably happen in her world. But I do have complete control of how I react, how I respond and how I listen to her and ultimately how I present as the comfortable, secure and supportive adult to help her understand. This morning I made her laugh and took the embarrassment away from her by putting it on to me and without even realising it (I think) her teacher responded in exactly the right way at exactly the right time. I’m sure Rosie hasn’t given this a second thought today and I’m sure it is not the first time or the last that she will be in a situation like this. I need to be rational and realise these challenges are a huge part of what will form her character, develop her understanding of the world and ultimately lead her to being a strong, successful and independent young lady. In fact, I really believe that without these feelings and emotions she would be hindered, held back and devoid of real understanding of the complexity of human interaction and being part of society.
Another Mummy lesson learned!
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