Sepsis in Childbirth and why I love a birth story.

So many of my friends have had babies and after the congratulations for the little ones safe arrival the next thing I always say is ‘I can’t wait to hear all about it’ and I mean the birth. I can’t help but want to know the details and do worry that I’m a little bit obsessed with it. I never felt like this before being pregnant, in fact it’s a conversation I actively avoided. But after having two of my own little bundles I love hearing the details of everyone else’s delivery..... is it so I can compare, or is it because I don’t understand? I actually don’t know the answer to that. My two deliveries are not comparable in anyway, shape or form, except the method of delivery in both was caesarean. Rosie’s was an emergency and Lydia’s was elected. I will talk about both, and maybe this will explain why I’m so obsessed by everyone else’s story! Rosie was nearly 2 weeks overdue when they decided to induce me. At this point in my pregnancy I was so desperate for her to arrive, firstly, because I couldn’t wait to meet her and secondly because I’d had enough of being pregnant. So I didn’t really consider the risks or possible complications of induction. I just agreed (naively) and went with it.

My induction experience was not a positive one, so if you are due to be induced soon, or don’t want a horror story, stop reading now (although, do please bare in mind that Rosie arrived safely and very healthy in the end!). As soon as they inserted the pessary (or whatever it is), which is agony by itself, I felt something wasn’t quite right. It was late at night, I was on my own and I was terrified and in pain. By the time Rich arrived the following morning I was in agony and having contractions, but they weren’t rhythmic or regular. I thought I was dying. If the windows on the maternity ward had opened further I would have jumped out of it just to make the pain stop! I felt like I was weak and unable to cope at the time, after all, woman do this all the time and I just felt like I couldn’t go on. Psychologically this was awful.

Upon reviewing my notes afterwards I was told I had hyper stimulation of the womb and that many can’t cope with it as the contractions just don’t go away before the next one comes - I think at one point Rich said I had a 12 minute contraction which never completely disappeared (according to the machine). I thought I was actually going to die and knew that this was not good, I knew things were meant to get worse before the baby was delivered and I knew I was really struggling! I needed pain relief and not having access to gas and air on the ward didn’t help that situation, so they agreed to me going down to delivery and having gas and air and an epidural. In some respects I wish the Midwife had told me that she suspected I had hyper-stimulation when I was going through it, with this knowledge I might not have felt so weak and useless and I may have been in a better position mentally. I'm a great believer that a strong mind and determination can get you through a lot. Although, I fully understand they have to stay calm and in control, so I can also see why it wasn't mentioned.

As I was being pulled along the very public corridor, backwards in a wheel chair I felt this immense pressure and before I knew it, water was spurting out of me like a high pressure hose pipe in front of the mortified public! This was probably the greatest lose of dignity that I've ever been through. The midwife actually said it was a first for her! The gas and air helped a bit, but the epidural was what I really wanted, I was traumatised and needed some help to cope. The first epidural didn’t work, so it had to be re-sited.... I was quite comfortable after the second one and ready for the duration! By this point I’d been in ‘inactive labour’ for about 7 hours. Eventually, another 7 hours later, Rosie’s heart rate just wasn’t recovering after every contraction and half an hour after that discovery she was born by c-section. The C-section itself wasn't actually that awful, except I was sure i could feel things (it felt like burning) and I ended up so drugged up I was totally out of it.

Then things got really bad. I was put on antibiotics straight away and just assumed everyone was, so paid absolutely no attention to it. I felt awful, I ached all over (like I had flu) but thought it was normal after a c-section so didn’t say anything. The next night, when Rich had gone (I think it was quite late) I felt absolutely freezing so got up to close the windows and had a fit, I was shaking uncontrollably and felt so cold! It was like torture. I ended up on a paracetamol drip because I had a temperature of 41 degrees. Again, I didn’t really fully appreciate what was going on.

The next day my best friend Gemma (a nurse) came to meet Rosie and when she saw me she knew something was wrong. She’d been there about 5 mins and I started having another fit, she sought urgent attention, at which point I was moved to HDU (High Dependency Unit) and had no idea what was going on. The next thing I knew Rich was stood in the corner holding my tiny little baby and I was surrounded by doctors, nurses, surgeons and consultants. I had 3 drips, was on oxygen, had my legs in pumping air bags and I was delusional. They told me I might need surgery. I was so out of it I didn’t appreciate the seriousness of what was going on. It turns out I had sepsis, caused by a 6 cm collection of (infected) blood in my uterus. I learned alot during this time about mortality, and don’t ever remember feeling scared and it wasn’t until a doctor said to me ‘I don’t think you realise that your situation is life threatening’ that things dawned on me.

The hardest thing about all of it was hearing my tiny little baby cry and not being able to tend to her because I was just too ill. At this point my maternal intuition was in full mode, but my body was unresponsive and that was like torture to me. I am still so greatful to the maternity team at Gloucester Royal Hospital, they saved my life. After 2 weeks in hospital (going a little bit mental and feeling totally institutionalised) I was let home with Rosie. The moment when I felt sunshine and fresh air on my face for the first time in weeks was unbelievable and I was over the moon that my 2 week old baby was finally outside, could finally hear the birds tweeting, feel the wind on her face and breath in the air. What a relief. I will never forget this feeling.

I was on antibiotics for another 6 weeks, ended up with a wound infection and a vitamin D deficiency which took 3 months of medication to repair. It didn’t really hit me until I saw the community midwife and she offered me counselling that I realised I was very lucky to be home, mostly healthy, with no long term side effects from my sepsis, with my new baby. It took me a long time to be able to talk about it without choking up and it still bothers me nearly 3 years later.

Before we got pregnant again I went to review my notes to see what the likely hood was of this happening again, they said I’d be very unlucky if it did and that I would be in complete control of my birth choices, so we went for it and then I was pregnant with Lydia. I needed to maximise my control of this birthing experience and an elected c-section seemed like the best choice for us, with the agreement if I went into natural labour I would give it a go. The date came and we went in at 8.00am as planned, within an hour I was in theatre being given a spinal, I felt nothing, 13 mins later Lydia was born! I remember them pushing the top of my tummy and my bump disappearing and thinking ‘oh my god, I’m not pregnant anymore’. I remember the conversations being had around me, I remember Rich being there and holding my hand. I even remember thinking my hand felt uncomfortable because I had nowhere to put it.... the detail of my memory is unbelievable. This was very different to Rosie, I felt really confused by it all. When they said I could start getting up and moving I remembered how I felt last time and dreaded it, so I gingerly started moving - oh my goodness the difference was so massive I almost felt like doing a twirl and a bow (that’s probably over exaggerated, because it did bloody hurt, but you get the message about the difference), I knew I didn’t have sepsis this time. My temperature was fine and within 24 hours I was home with Lydia. I was walking through the hospital feeling really underwhelmed by the whole experience. I think because of the trauma the first time round - and I remember looking at pregnant women and feeling a little bit jealous that they were still pregnant (this is no slight on Lydia at all, she is and has always been adorable to me and loved so so much, as much as Rosie!). I guess this was a hormonal thing but it felt so strange and I worried about it and whether it was normal. I was so overwhelmed by the time we got home I didn’t quite know how to handle things and I was so shocked that two experiences can be so utterly different. In both of my birth stories there is one common theme and that is that they were not delivered naturally, one not by choice and the other by choice and I think this is the issue. I have an over whelming feeling that I failed at giving birth (I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just being honest) and I think this is why I want to hear every detail of other people’s stories. How did they push that baby out; after all it was impossible for me! And maybe I need some closure.... I’m not sure what form that should take.... a third baby, maybe? That is a decision for when Rich and I are a little less sleep deprived I think.

So to my friends that I ask a million questions to about their birth stories, sorry if it’s weird, sorry if it’s annoying, I just think you are amazing for doing it, that’s all!

P.S. Sharing this story is so therapeutic to me, I highly recommend it to any one who has a birth story they'd like to share.