It's time to live in the moment!
When I made the decision to take a career break 6 years ago, it was always a temporary thing. It was always going to be just whilst my children weren’t in full time, formal education. Seemingly, just like that, my two babies are now fully embraced in the world of education. Lydia’s start in reception last week was the final stage of what has been 6 years of being a focused, dedicated full time mummy. We navigated the unpredictable, meandering, undulating path that has been their early years. It’s crazy really, I already look back on those times with absolute joy, tinged with sorrow that it’s all over and have totally forgotten the days of total and utter despair where I had a baby who threw up every 2 minutes and a toddler that said ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’ on repeat. Why do we forget the hard times so easily and why did it seem 6 years ago, 4 years ago, 2 years ago that this time, this thing happening right now was an absolute life time away. Then, just like that- it’s over. Over the summer I’ve become all to aware of the speed that life passes us by and I’m already looking forward, knowing that in 2 years, 4 years or 6 years time, I’ll look back and read this with the same joy, tinged with sorrow that these days have gone.
I’m not sure if this is unique to me, or something we all do. But when I thought about being a mummy, before I was one- my thoughts were all about pregnancy and having babies. It genuinely didn’t go much beyond that. I didn’t really think about life with a 4 and 6 year old and still can’t really think of our future selves and what life will be like then. In fact I probably choose not to think about it as I start to feel sadness at how rapidly life happens, before it’s even happened.
September 2021 has always been a subconsciously important date on my internal calendar. Since Lydia was born, I was always super aware that it was at that point I’d need to start doing some serious soul searching and make a decision about what my life would look like without my babies, my toddlers or pre-schoolers. Those times are now nothing more than the most precious and amazing memory and what was and will always be that new chapter in my life. Being a mum has defined me, it has become my ‘full time’ role. I lost a huge part of my identity when I became a Mum, but found a brand new part and actually I prefer the new part so much more. I am genuinely a better person. I often say, if the me 10 years ago came face to face with me now, we would hate each other. Nothing can be more opposing, or different and actually was the premise of my first blogs ‘me now vs me then’.
I am in limbo land. My ‘temporary’ career break, if I’m really honest is a permanent one. I spent so many years working really hard in a sector I loved, but I fell out of love with it and to be honest it broke me in the end, sometimes you can care too much and give too much. The thought of going back to that, sends shivers down my spine and I see myself standing face to face with the person I was, a person who wouldn’t have had time to be a Mummy or would have been constantly forced to make a choice between the two and probably not done an amazing job at either.
In my attempts to find myself some direction and think about something that I could do that will compliment life with the girls but also allow me to embrace this next new chapter I’ve been doing lots of thinking, reading and considering (not a lot of action, YET). I came across something that really struck a chord with me and I repeat it to myself often because it resinates so much in my current life situation. My parental anxiety is high because my children are both in school and I’m not in complete control (this is definitely verging on unhealthy, purely because I’ve been so dedicated to them, I’ve thrown everything I have into them and now they aren’t here for 6 hours a day). I feel sorrow for the time that has passed, hoping I have savoured it enough and I have trepidation for the future coming around too quickly and the future, very quickly becoming the past!
This is what I need to do first- before any further soul searching, or any huge decisions about my future career or purpose in life for those 6 hours that the girls are at school.
I need to stop worrying about things that were said and done in the past, I need to stop over thinking and being afraid of what is going to happen in the future. What I really need to do is embrace this moment right now, live in the moment, feel it and allow it to be ok that I’m in a period of change and need time to find my way.
Being a bit of a novice at ‘living in the moment’, I guess it’s acceptable to make some rookie errors, right? This actually happened last week….. I learned deciding to fully embrace living in the moment after you’ve drunk 10 cocktails, with a number more sat in front of you, is really not very sensible and actually I’m entirely disappointed by my drunken minds ability to convince myself that ‘I can do this’. My espresso martini head told me not to worry about the fact I’d told myself right up to 6.30pm that night not to drink too much, not to worry that I had a day full of ‘proper’ mum duties the next day (including a birthday party with 15, 4 year olds) and just live in the moment and drink the cocktails and dance. I guess I could argue that I’m proud of myself that I can actually live in the moment- but I spent the whole of the next day on the struggle bus, with a ‘broken elbow and knee’ where I stacked it because I was wearing ridiculously high heels. The only problem was, I couldn’t give drunken me a good old talking to the next day, because she’d realised what a stupid decision she’d made and has gone into hiding- for a very long time- because she’s a very naughty girl!
Have fun living in the moment guys! Thanks for reading!
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