One of the biggest shocks to me has been how easily the girls bring a tear to my eye. I'm not the crying 'type'.
I guess, being quite honest, I could be described as quite a cold person. I'm not touchy feely at all. If someone sits in front of me and cries, inside I am full of sympathy, but I will clinically pat them on their knee and tell them not to cry. I definitely have my own bubble that I don't like people invading, and I feel very uncomfortable if people touch me.... I'm a bit of an emotional retard really and I'm very aware of it. My husband is totally different, he is at one with his own thoughts and feelings and his need for affection and isn't ashamed to show it. I have a theory that in any successful relationship, attitudes, behaviour and personality traits are combined, and if we assume there is a 100% point score, what I lack, he will compensate and vice-versa. So for the above, let's call it 'emotional retardedness' he is only 25% emotionally retarded and I'm 75%, making us the perfect 100. There is no scientific research to support this theory as far as I know, but it kind of makes sense to me.
Anyway, I was very interested in some psychology research by Cooper-Smith that states that children will grow up to resemble their parents, so if a parent is shy, their child is likely to be shy, if a parent lacks confidence the child could lack confidence. He then suggests a whole load of parenting skills to ensure these things don't happen (which at 20 years old in uni I had absolutely no interest in, but for some reason the research has stayed with me).
Knowing this, I have been very keen to ensure my children aren't cold or lacking of empathy, in fact, my children learning empathy is probably in the top 5 things that are important to me. Also, I do feel that having my children has most definitely 'warmed me up'. Don't get me wrong, if someone is accidentally touching my arm when we are sat next to each other I'll still be shaking with tension and dying inside, not wanting to make a big deal of it but desperate to move. But I am definitely a bit softer and more expressive and my children have made me cry for all kinds of reasons. Happiness, sadness, pride, fear and so on. Something I never thought would happen.
Recently we were walking through a shopping centre and there is an art exhibition where local businesses have designed pigs and given them a clever name. Rosie loved this and was running towards them, clasping her hands together and moving her hands up and down saying something I didn't understand. All of a sudden it clicked, she was calling them Friends and doing the sign language. Now, I feel I have a lot to thank Mr Tumble for, he has taught her this. I felt so proud of her and the things I simply don't know that she knows. Only a few weeks ago when I happened to mention to my sister in conversation something about Macdonalds.... which Rosie calls 'old Macdonalds farm'. Rosie then jumps in and says 'old Macdonald farm with Kate and Leigh'.... a couple of weeks previously we had met Aunty Kate and Uncle Leigh in Macdonalds for lunch! It really brought a tear to my eye. Something seemingly so trivial to me obviously meant quite a lot to her because she remembered it. How can that not bring a tear to my eye.
When ever Rosie is dressed we really make a big deal about how beautiful she is and we say 'look at you' (ensuring we are teaching her self worth and esteem) and now every time I've re-straightened my hair or put on some nice clothes she says 'look at you mummy, look at you' us saying this to her obviously makes her feel good and the fact she wants to make me feel good by saying it to me means we are teaching her empathy and she is a nice little girl who wants to make people happy! That really brings a tear to my eye.
The day I had Lydia I was so desperate for Rosie to come in but was terrified of her reaction, but as soon as I saw her curls bouncing up and down as she came running towards us, holding a pink balloon, that was definitely bigger than her, I couldn't help but cry, in that moment I loved her even more than I did before (if that's possible) and she immediately fell in love with Lydia. My concerns about Lydia's existence destroying Rosie's life dissipated right away. I don't ever remember a time feeling emotion quite like it and the I could not hold back the tears.
I have learned a lot over the years about imitation and that a large percentage of children's behaviour is based on what they see. Rosie now plays beautifully with her 'baby Stella' and watching her I realise that she is copying what she sees me doing with Lydia. She puts a Muslin cloth over her shoulder and holds a bottle to Stella's mouth. After a few moments she stops and sits baby Stella up and pats her on the back to wind her and then she kisses her and rocks her in her arms. It's beautiful and unbelievably sweet and highlights this amazing position I am in, where she is learning life skills from me. It really melts my heart and brings a tear to my eye and I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility that having children brings.
When I think about Rosie and Lydia's need for security, the type that only Rich (Daddy) and I can give it makes me realise how vulnerable they are and that provokes fear and anxiety in me that I never had before, it takes my breath away and my desperate need to protect them can easily lead to tears.
The first time I left Rosie for a sleep over at Aunty Michelle's I nearly cried. Now this one really took me by surprise. When parents used to describe this feeling to me before I had children I thought how ridiculous it was.... well, to all those parents I apologise because I was an actual wimp with this and now I totally empathise and understand! I could go on and on, but I won't! All I will say is I know there is going to continue to be times when my children make me cry for all the positive and negative reasons there can possibly be and I will embrace these times, I won't be ashamed to show my emotion and maybe just maybe this Ice Queen will finally melt!
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