The pictures say it all!
Everybody talks about the many positive effects of losing a lot of weight, but rarely do you hear about the negative effects. I say negative because to many, especially those who would never consider their weight a problem, or need to worry about their weight, these effects would almost certainly be seen as negative. To me, they aren’t negative, they are a result of the hard work, consistent battle and progress that I’m making. So I wanted to share this story to show how I turn these negatives into positives. As a larger person I never looked at specific parts of my body and thought, I don’t like that bit, but I’m happy with that bit. I’ve never been happy, never had a positive body image. I just looked at it as a whole and didn’t see any nice bits. So I find it quite strange that at nearly 5 and a half stone down I now look at my arms, my stomach, my boobs and think that bit isn’t very good. It’s a really new and bizarre concept to me. This has all escalated into a couple of weeks of worry and fear, that has luckily come to an end today. A month ago I found quite a large lump in my boob. I didn’t tell anyone for a few days, then started sharing with my Mum, my Husband, my Sister and anyone else who might want to hear it. It’s quite a prominent lump, so could be felt (and seen) quite easily. Of course I went to the doctors, who referred me for an urgent scan at the breast screening centre. You are guaranteed an appointment within 2 weeks and whilst I was fairly sure it would all be ok, you can’t help but think the worst and worry that it could be something sinister, especially as it wasn’t there before. So I went for a scan today and basically, because I’ve lost loads of weight (and fat off my boobs) it’s glandular tissue that has probably been there for a long time, but when surrounded by fat I couldn’t feel it. It’s nothing to worry about, thankfully! I think it’s a crazy side effect of my really positive weight loss journey and the Doctor said as I lose more weight I will probably get more of these lumps and they will need to be checked, just to be on the safe side. I never for 1 minute considered that losing weight, moving to that ever closer target, which is only a positive thing, could turn into a negative and I will (now I know it’s not cancer) see this lump as another battle scar representing my journey. I’m not going to wrap it up with a bow, my boobs are more like cows udders than the voluminous, round things they used to be. I wear a really good push up bra daily and basically roll my empty, saggy, free hanging udders into them and can’t wait to take it off at the end of the day. I joke often that my nipples and my belly button are best friends and when I stand in the mirror naked, if I was to paint myself yellow, I reckon I could pass from neck to hips as a homage to Homer Simpsons head, it really is quite uncanny!
My friend said to me recently ‘I feel so sorry for you, your boobs and loose skin’ and my reply was this: I would take even saggier boobs and even more loose skin to be were I am right now and were I’m going to be in the future, over being 18stone with massive boulders and firmer skin any day of the week. I’m defiantly not there with the whole positive body image thing, in my head I’m still a really big person. I think it’s going to take a long time to not think like that but progress is being made and the fact I now look at my bingo wings as a negative is maybe a step in the right direction to a more positive body image. I’m sure all people have insecurities about certain parts of their bodies, regardless of their size, even when they don’t need to.
I’m actually considering buying a swimsuit for this summer, rather than a swim dress. I certainly need new swim wear, mine are just too big and who knows, I might even be brave enough to let someone take a picture and next year I might even be ready for a bikini? Watch this space!
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