Like all parents, my children are my reason. Everything I do, I do for them. My aspirations and dreams are mostly focused around them and their ever developing characters, their success and achievement for the future and their happiness and confidence as they grow. Any parent of young children is told and reminded constantly to cherish every moment because time flies by and before you know it they are grown up. I totally get this. It seems like yesterday that they were babies and I know time will go at the blink of an eye and they will both be in school before I know it.
The other day Rich and I were sorting through all the baby stuff, the next to me crib, the car seat, the Mamaroo chair, the high chair and it was time for it to go. Rich has been saying for ages that we need to do something with it, but I was clinging on to it.
The next to me crib, when I set it up, it took me right back to having them as babies sleeping by my side and the cute little snuffles they made as they slept. I was cherishing that memory. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me, the reality of those situations was so different. In actual fact the cute little snuffles they made when they were sleeping next to me used to keep me awake at all hours and then there's their startle reflex which used to wake me up with such a jolt. I remember thinking back in those days- when is it ok to put them in their own room in the hope I’d actually get a good nights sleep. It’s crazy how I can cherish the memory, but in the moment, even though I tried really hard to, and had the words running through my head ‘cherish this, it won’t last’ I didn’t. I was tired and desperate for a good nights sleep.
I looked at the Mamaroo and thought, 'aw, that was such a good thing' when in reality Rosie hated it and Lydia spent so much time in it ill. So many times she slept in it because it was the only way she would sleep without throwing up everywhere, or struggling to breath. The whirling sound of the motor as it moves the seat in a soothing rhythm, simulating a car ride, or a figure of eight at 3am in the morning is actually really loud. We used it so much the motor doesn’t even work properly now, its burned out. So why do I look at this thing with such fond emotion, why do I cherish it? In the moment I didn’t cherish it at all?
This brings me to current day and seems so relevant as we’ve just had Christmas, are heading into new year and that is always a time of reflection for me. With the girls being 4 and 2, for them Christmas was magical. They really believe, Rosie told me on Christmas Eve she kept hearing sleigh bells and Lydia was constantly reminding me that she was on the nice list. I already look at the photos I’ve taken of our festive activities and think 'aw look at them with Santa'. 'Look at their Christmas outfits, look at their excited little faces and the anticipation in their eyes'. I’m already cherishing the memories. But I haven’t cherished one moment. When we went to see Santa, Lydia had walked through 100s of muddy puddles and was filthy, we couldn’t find Lydias name on the hundreds of presents as we walked round (right until the end) and she was getting more and more upset that there wasn’t a present for her. We’ve spent a lot of time at home and most days I’ve felt like I’m imitating an animal whisperer to tame the feral Tasmanian devils that have apparently possessed my children. They make a mess, I clear it up, in the mean time they are making a mess somewhere else, punching each other in the face and fighting. They’ve had cabin fever (especially as Lydia has had chicken pox, so we’ve been unable to get out and about as much).
I have photos of them pushing their prams and dollies around the cathedral, I already look at them and think ‘aw, that was cute’. When in reality, it was like having two little drunkards in charge of a vehicle as they were zigzagging down the corridors like it was a competition to see who could take the most people out. I think I apologised a milllion times that day to random strangers and to be honest the response I was getting was frosty. I don’t think the people there were enamoured by my two little cuties pushing their prams as if they were bowling balls going for a strike.
I look at the photos of the amazing hot chocolates I made for them, with cream and marshmallows, a new family tradition that we can repeat year after year.
They look so happy, when in reality the cream and marshmallow ended up all over the carpet, they took one sip of the hot chocolate and said they didn’t like it. I thought, I won’t do this again, but I bet i will. I’ll take the same photo next year and cherish the memory from this year.
Being their Mum I spend more time with them than anyone else, they’ve been by my side 24/7 for the last three weeks, it’s relentless and when I look to Rich and say ‘I need a break’ I say it with guilt and disappointment in myself. After all I should be cherishing every moment and not feeling this way. I feel like my day starts with Mum, mum, mum, mum (I was even in the bath this morning and they were both in there with me, arguing about who is going to stand closest to my head) and ends with mum, mum, mum. How can you cherish that moment? It’s more like survival that something to cherish. I’m looking forward to them going back to school, getting back into a routine and life returning to normal and I feel guilty for that! After all, next Christmas they might not believe as much, it might not be as magical for them.
I post a lot of heart felt, feel good posts about the girls and the things we do. I mean them, every word, every story, I mean them with every part of me. I feel pride and amazement by them. It really is me and them against the world! But I find it impossible to cherish the moment, in the moment I’m usually a little bit stressed, a little bit hurried, a little bit frustrated, a little bit hopeful that everything will go as planned and a little bit terrified that it won’t. Then, as soon as the moment becomes a memory, that’s when I cherish it, I only think of the good things, the special parts and the bits that melted my heart. I know Christmas 2019 will be one that I cherish in my memories, but in the moment it has been hard! Will I ever learn to cherish the moment, is this even a thing? I’d love to know.
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