I received an email from BabyCentre yesterday titled ‘tips to encourage positive behaviour’. My immediate thought was, 'oh my, BabyCentre are spying on my life and can see how imperfect I am in my reaction to my increasingly defiant 3 year old and my increasingly sensitive nearly 2 year old'. I say at least once a day 'Rosie, am I speaking a foreign language?' and ‘Lydia, does that really small issue constitute a reaction like the world has ended?’. In fact I’ve been tempted to record it and just press play, because even I am tired of hearing my own voice. Surely, BabyCentre have written this email just for me to point out exactly where I’m going wrong. As I started driving, I started tearing my parenting skills to shreds and tried desperately to find a dark hole to climb into. Then I thought ... 'hang on a second' ... and I said to my mum ‘can you read that email to me please?’. Just to be clear, she was my passenger at the time so it was all perfectly safe and legitimate to ask this. So she did ... now, I totally get that the BabyCentre and similar emails are there to share information and helpful tips and I think they are great, which is why I stay subscribed, but this one clearly hit a bit of a nerve as the struggle in my house is real right now. Not only have I now fully learned why a lot of parents have a second child and say... yeah, no more. Right now, I feel I start and end the day shouting at one and consoling the other and I worry they are having as miserable time as I am. So you can only imagine when the perfect little BabyCentre, with the perfect little hints and tips started telling me that if I need time to breath, find somewhere to go and take a few minutes (Hahahaha, yeah right) so I calm down and don’t ‘lose it’ with my children, that I may have felt a little bit put out. My first thought was, who writes these emails anyway? It’s clearly not a parent living the life that I am (in reality it probably is just that and they are either coming out the other end, or in so deep they just spend their whole day smiling and taking time to breath) and what kind of unrealistic and to be honest (in my opinion) weak suggestions of behaviour management are being suggested! I have so much experience with behaviour management professionally, I was naive to assume my expertise would translate to parenthood. I fully embrace positive reinforcement of good behaviour and warranted praise as it is deserved but there is a limit and I really believe there are times where children need to be told off, need to be removed from a situation and need to be told they are wrong. I don’t think it is always right to hug it out and talk about what’s causing such conflict, especially when you have a three year old telling you to shut up. If in that moment I was to say come and hug me sweetheart and tell me why you said that, my belief is that I’m encouraging that behaviour again. If I say please don’t speak to me like that, now go and sit over there and think about it, yes she will cry, and yes she will be unhappy and yes it might cause a bigger reaction, but surely she is learning it is wrong. Surely she is learning that the negative reaction she has had means she did something that was not ‘good behaviour’. I just can’t ignore the negative and reward the positive. I will always reward the positive, but I will also acknowledge the negative. I only write this blog to share with you what a tough time I’m having and I’m hoping hundreds of you are sitting there, reading this and totally feeling my pain (really sorry if you are, but just so you know that makes me feel better) and to say, if like me you got or get these ‘enlightening’ emails and on bad days read them and then start tearing apart your own imperfect parenting skills, or questioning your own approach to behaviour management and discipline, please remember this blog. Also remember, we are human, we are not perfect and one of the truest sayings I learned in my childcare career ... they are experts of all children, but you are the expert with yours. You know them best and you know how to get the best response even if you don’t leave the room for a few moments - just to breath! Whenever you are reading this (it’s currently 11pm here and both girls are asleep) whether it’s the morning, evening, lunchtime, with or with out your little ones around, let me just tell you ... you are their Mummy or Daddy and you are the best person to be helping them with their character development and behaviour, regardless of what the literature says! I will now go and kiss my angelic children goodnight, look at their beautiful, innocent faces and all the trauma and hardship will melt away in less than a second ... until 6am tomorrow morning that is! 😂😂
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